I see now so clearly how not good enough I am and how no matter how hard I try to please my Father, I'll NEVER be good enough. For the first time in my life I felt the deepest sorrow and disappointment that I could never please my Father in Heaven.

Lord?

This is ridiculous.  How do you put something in order that you can't even touch?! If I can't hold on to it and see how much I have and how much I need for a certain thing or another than how can I put it in order of what I need and when and how much? I don't have any in my hands at all yet it all keeps slipping through my fingers! And b/c I have no idea how to manage what I have/don't have I keep failing.

This is ridiculous.

I hate that life is about one thing and One thing only but everything you do that doesn't have to do directly WITH Him directly reflects that one thing you do FOR Him. I wish people could see me for my heart for Him and not look at what I do extracurricular to that. But that is the way it is. So now, I have to be perfect at all that I do just b/c of that One thing I was created to do. And I am a perfectionist so when I don't measure up, I get very disappointed in myself.

 If Jesus forgave me, then I must forgive myself. If I don't than I am saying that His sacrifice wasn't enough. I wonder...is it the same for grace?

Jesus gives us grace b/c of our fall and it is by grace that I am saved. But I don't know how to give myself grace to fall. I don't see room for failure where I am. So when I fail I feel as though I am not where I am supposed to be. All I want is to be right with God and do well. This was my greatest fear; that I would fail.

And it's happening right before my eyes.

God...help.

Jesus, I'll go wherever You want me.
And I'll do what You want me to do.
I don't care about anything else,
I just want to be with You.

I want to cry on Your chest;
Crawl up in Your arms.
Cause I know You'll always give me Your best;
Abba, You'll never do me harm.

My soul thirsts in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I need a supernatural outpouring of Your Spirit and Love. Daddy God, I need You. You are my hearts desire. My eternal longing is in You. There is no better place. When I speak to others I'm just speaking. But when I speak to You, something's different. I could talk to a million people all day long every day, but there's something different about talking to You. A fulfillment inside; an eternal satisfaction. My soul and spirit, my heart and mind love to be in Your presence. I love with all my heart and soul to talk to You and to spend time with You. There is no better place. Truly better is one day in Your house, in Your presence, than anywhere else in all creation. I love You, Abba. I love You, Jesus. I love You.